The greatest literary work of all time

Are you ready to have your life changed forever? I'd like to present to you a book that I wrote when I was 9. You'll laugh. You'll cry. You'll laugh so hard you'll cry.

Illustrations, commentary (in italics), and original spelling errors have been included.

Dogs.
Written and illustrated by Jessica

Copyright 1991. Jessica's Books.

Dedicated to Saudi, one of the best dogs ever. (My childhood BFF - Saudi the black lab).

When I was four, we got our dog Bud (Boston Terrier, if you couldn't tell by the wicked awesome drawing). He became our family pet. He was very playful and friendly.

One day I was in kindergarden and I was waiting for my bus and all of a sudden my dog Bud ran out of my backyard into the street. Then a big truck came and ran over Bud's leg. (Awful story of course, but a) Global Moving Co.? Where did that come from? and b) did I have to be so graphic with my drawing?)

My mom was so upset over Bud she ordered me to go inside and call my dad. (Screw you Mom. I'm 5. You call him.) That day while I was in school Bud died. That night I cried and cried. (As can be seen by my "Boo Hoo" talking bubble and my dream bubble of a tombstone reading BUD RIP.)

But a few months later my dad came home from work. He was wearing a suit and coat. He took something out of his coat.

It was a baby puppy!!! It was one of Bud's sisters. It was from a litter Bud's mom had had recently.

(Way to support the crappy backyard breeder twice Dad. And by the way, despite the porn star 'stach, my dad actually has a real job. As can be seen by the briefcase he's carrying that actually says briefcase on it.)

"She is so cute," I said. She was so small she had to eat out of very little ashtrays. (How white trash is that?!) I played with Maxi every day.

But one thing we could never do was house-train her. When she was two my dad said "She has to go to school." So she went. We got her back when she was three. (Huh? Where the hell did she go to school for a year? I think 9-year-old me was confuzzled. 9-year-old me also wore ugly clothes.)

But training school didn't do a thing. It was about then we moved to Greenbriar. That is the name of the neighborhood. (Clearly very relevant to the story.)

After we moved Maxi still made messes in the house. Our new house was so big we had to get cleaning girls Sondra and Kerri. (Wow. Pretentious for a 9 year old. WTH Jessica?)

Then on another day my dad said we had to get rid of Maxi. "NO!!!" I said. and ran to my room and locked the door. I didn't come out all night. But we gave her to Kerri, our cleaning girl. (Rehoming wasn't an option for me at age 9 either.)

But one day, my dad said his friend Limon Dame dog just had babies.

(Notice the "So you say your dog had babies?" and "YEA" conversation bubbles.)

Exactly three days later, my dad said we were going somewhere. Guess where we went? To see the puppies! They were so cute. They hadn't even opened their eyes.

Nine weeks and four days later I was getting out of the shower when "AAUUGGHH," that was me. I saw a big black dog in my hallway. (9 weeks and four days - damn...can't break it down into hours and minutes too?)

(Our outfits make us look like we belong in a cult)

Do you like him?" asked my dad? "Who'se is he"? "He might be ours". Guess what. WE did get him! (I should be a professional author).

He went to dog school just like Maxi. But he learned things. We still have him, too. The only difference is that he was trained before he was 3 months old! (I was such a liar. That means in 3 weeks he was trained. Incorrect, Jessica. Incorrect.)

And another difference was Saudi knew how to fetch before he was 3 months. Now since he is a water dog he's so silly he won't get in our pool without his raft. (True story).

All my friends think he's funny except Scott, who thinks he's scary.

(Saudi had a nose like a duck, apparently).

Now he's smart and still lovable.

Bud is dead. Maxi is still at Kerri's but I still have my big, black, baby Saudi.

(Well if that isn't an end to a story, I don't know what is).

Above is a pic of your beautiful author, and below is my boy Saudi, who we lost in March 2003.